My leave of absence from blogging.......

Rob reminded me that some actually read and like these..... Just kidding. I have had such a crappy attitude the last couple of weeks, I can blame it on whatever I chose, the truth is I needed some time to get my perspective again and realize I cant really change the world single handedly and some things just are never going to change so I need to let it go. I have struggled with some friendships that I guess looking back maybe werent the friendships I thought they were. I have been told that I need to stay away from relationships that are negative. I stuggle with that because I tend to see the good and overlook things that really are not good influences. It has been hard to have teenagers. I have a friend that loved her kids teenage years, I have asked her what about it she loved........ I struggle each day with wanting to put them up for foster care. I cant hardly get through a week where at some point I really cant stand them, then I feel like a really crappy mother. It truly is a love hate relationship. Some days I wonder if I really make a difference, or if they really even care. On good days I think they are wonderful, adorable, and it is fun to actually talk to them. They are curious about the world and where they are headed.
Work has frustrated me immensley. I really love what I do, and I really mean that. I love to help people, and nothing gives me more satisfaction than ending a day knowing I was able to help someone hopefully really feel better. I have a manager that stomps around the lab and acts like an over grown two year old. She is rude, mean, and unprofessional. I have really struggled to realize that she doesnt have to affect me. This has been hard because so much of my socializing comes at work, and she really has a way of taking the fun out of it. I finally, this week, was able to get past that and change my attitude and put fun back in. I have gotten to work with some of my best friends and that has really helped.
I appreciate so much my circle of friends. I have some really wonderful friends. They have been so great to rally me when I need the encouragement, and sometimes give me loving criticism when I need an attitude adjustment. I get so bogged down sometimes with work and home that I forget to take the time to recharge. They are very good about helping me do that, and reminding me when I might need a recharge.;)
I am ever grateful to my family for loving me no matter how frustrated, negative, emotionally, honery,or obstinant I might get. I really appreciate being able to bounce thoughts off of you guys and get feedback that helps me go on. Where would I be without you guys, probably over a cliff somewhere. I miss you guys always, and love being able to keep in touch.

christmas

Ok, where to start..... This is my favorite time of the year. I love everything about the season. I love the lights and the way they light up the streets making me feel like I am in a gingerbread city. I love the way people act differently. I love the open displays of kindness. The lack of inhibition that closes us all up in our houses and forbids up to be a little more sweet, and kind, and compassionate to each other. I love the baking, it is one of the few times of the year that I really get to be domestic. I love the smells of the season. I love the way friends and neighbors go out of their way to think of small ways to share a little of themselves with each other. I love the parties, I love giving. You would think with all that I love about the season, why did I have such a hard time getting into it this year. This year was really stressful. The economy really dumped and with it so did my overtime that I knew I was so dependent on. Each day at work became more and more stressful. Each time I got cancelled I was more and more frustrated. I was devoted to not going into debt this year to buy xmas, since my biggest goal is to get out of debt. I have almost achieved this. I would save a little money and then have to spend it on food, bills or gas...... It was a constant cycle of frustration. I took a little time at thanksgiving to get away, sort my priorities, get back in touch with what was important, and rejuvinate. It was a much needed vacation. I came back and focused on the little things that really mattered. Trying to be more kind, patient, and caring to everyone. I was so grateful to Jason and Jackie for helping take care of some of our needs. I dont think I will ever be able to express to them how grateful and how much I love them. This relieved so much pressure. I put my faith in my Father in Heaven and took in the real joys of the season. I finally got back into the music I so loved in college. I got to play with the choir and loved it. It is so exhilarating to finally be able to express myself in ways that have been bottle up for so long. I left Arizona on the 19th headed for California. 10 days away to spend with family. It was nice to be able to let my hair down. I got to spend some time with Robs family and get to know them a little better. It was delightful to come in and hear Leah come running up and say "hi aunt Linna". Nice to know that she knows who I am. It was fun to spend time with little Logan. He is so adorable. How fun it was to ask him every other minute to show me his muscles. It was great to leave and hear him say Linna. The kids loved being away too. Stephen dug multiple ditches,(footings) to play war games with Jeffery. He was so disappointed to find out we would be leaving before he got to put them to use. The girls loved playing with the cousins. I had a great time visiting with Rob and Crystal. Mama Mia was great, sure wish my forty year old bladder could hold out a little better. I guess that is the tough part with hanging out with younger siblings, they are in such better shape. Loved all of it you guys. Thankyou for making my holidays. I got the best gift I could have ever hoped for, and that was spending the time with you guys. I loved every minute of it. I hope we will do this for many years to come. I love you guys so much.